In This Moment

Today was a hard day. Today I found myself remembering times from long ago when it was hard to look forward.

When I was first divorced, life could be summed up into one word: overwhelming. My kids were 2 and 5, I was in a new city at a new job; I was in a place where I found myself feeling utterly alone and struggling to stay afloat. It felt as if I was being held underwater and yet I wasn’t drowning; I just couldn’t get any air. Many, many days I would sit at my desk and pray with everything I had for God to help me get through the next hour.

It was during this time that I learned to stop asking for answers for next week or next month and asked simply for today. Give me strength to make it through today. Give me strength to make it through the next hour. Allow me to be present right now.

I have been reminded of that this week as I find myself with more time than ever before and way too much headspace. I wanted to have a lot of time to sit and think but now that it’s here I think I really just liked the idea of extra time to do nothing. Oh sure, I can fill time with doing something but to fill it with nothing? Impossible!

Why is that? Why am I such a “go getter”? Why can’t I just enjoy being still? The answer is both simple and hugely complex – it’s partly how I am made… AND I have a control idol. This need for control manifests itself into worry. So I project my worry to months into the future because I want control over the here and now - something I am acutely aware that I don’t have.

One thing you should know about me: I talk to myself. All. The. Time. Crazy? Maybe. But that’s just how I do it. So the argument in my head goes like this:

“How can I be present in today when I need to be focused on preparing my family for the future? It’s my job to keep our family safe, prepared, and financially stable.”

“Yes, this is true and you also know that God loves you, has a plan for you that is good ALL THE TIME, and seeks to bless you.”

“Well I am not certain that God is good to me personally all the time. It doesn’t feel good right now, I’m anxious and scared, I feel alone, and experience has taught me that I just need to handle it myself.”

“Why don’t you try it a different way?”

“Because that would require showing vulnerability, which is interpreted as weakness. It might require reliance on other people who will let me down. Most of all it requires letting go of control.”

“Has God ever let you down? I mean, like let-you-starve or leave-you-homeless let you down.”

“Well no, but that doesn’t mean I won’t He won’t decide to make me a modern-day Job.”

“So what does that means exactly?”

“I think it means that I trust God with my past, but struggle to trust him completely with my future.”

And so goes the conversation in my head. Can you relate to that? If you are like me, you are earnestly seeking to know how God would have me spend today. For me, practically this looks a lot like what I described at the beginning of this story – Lord, help me through this moment. There might be many answers to that question for what I should accomplish each day, but one thing is consistently clear in my mind on what that should embody: Be present in today.

So, for right now, that’s just what I’m doing. One foot in front of the other. One job search at a time. One more load of laundry at a time. One sink full of dishes at a time. One bill at a time. One moment of despair at a time. One hour of playing with the kids at a time. One meal at a time. One more "I love you mom" at a time. One precious moment at a time.

If this is you right now, I invite you to join me. One day at a time, my friend. One day at a time.