A Season of Firsts

I'm ready to strike March from the books. So far this month we've been quarantined, I was put on unpaid furlough (which will likely lead to a layoff), and was in a terrible car accident with my partner and kids that totaled my vehicle and has left me injured. How am I feeling? Overwhelmed.

First pandemic. I don't have too much to say on this one because for everyone living on this planet this is our first pandemic. It sucks, but if the most Americans have to complain about is not having toilet paper we are definitely looking through the lens of #firstworldproblems. It's early, but this could turn into a cluster.

First layoff. Technically it's an unpaid indefinite furlough, but let's just call it what it is. Was I surprised? Honestly no. The company hadn't seen true growth in years. The pandemic was more of a convenience factor. I'm 42 and have never been laid off before. I've worked since high school and since graduating college have always had full-time employment. Being laid off is a new experience for me coming at a very inopportune time.

As a solo parent I am the sole person responsible for my household. Immediately my thoughts turn to fear when I think about losing the material things that provide security for my family (such as our house, electricity, shoes, clothing). And although I'm a supersaver, and logically I can say we will be OK, my mind still wanders to the fear. What if this pandemic goes on for months? What if the job market continues to stall? What if I go for so long without a job that I become unemployable?

First spine injury. If you've been in a serious car accident, you know that everything happens very fast and at the same time in slow motion. At least the replays in my head are in slow motion. I've been in a few car accidents before but have never had any serious injuries. With a diagnosis of a herniated and lacerated disc I am now at home full time, teaching my kids full time, unemployed, and unable to do any physical exercise that would help relieve the ticking time bomb of stress that has become my life. Again, the fear sets in. How long will this take to heal? Will it heal completely? Will I need surgery? How much will all this cost?

Among all this suck there is some silver lining. This is the first time I have been able to be at home with my kids. This is the first time I will get more than two weeks off in a row. This will also be the first time I allow my friends to come along side me in my journey and pain and be vulnerable enough to permit others to help me. And finally (but most importantly) this will be the first time that I have no choice but to surrender control to the one who truly is in control.

The interesting thing is that my vulnerabilities allow me to be known. My heart's desire to be able to provide for my children and at the same time be present for them more has been known. My deep yearning to just rest, I mean fully rest and reset, has been known. My wanting to not have to walk this journey by myself (or even just me and Jesus) has also been known. And now it would seem that He is responding to my heart cries. Not in a way that I would have ever chosen, but in His way.

What does this journey hold? It is truly a trying season for all of us, some more than others. This blog is my journal through this season of life. Some of you may identify with what I'm thinking and feeling and others may think I'm crazy! (Here's a hint: I AM slightly crazy! ;) ) My hope if you are reading these posts then they connect with you in a personal way and remind you that you are audaciously known by a Jesus that loves you more than you could ever imagine.

#marchdoover #aseasonoffirsts