Responsibility v. Influence

Lately I have been a bit frustrated at the poor job market, rejection letters, or HR phone calls about the position “no longer being pursued at this time”. And when I say “a bit” I really mean a lot. Like a metric crap-ton. Like I'm depressed and have only showered once this week. So you might say it's starting to hit my self-esteem pretty hard.

While talking about this with my friend Sandy, I recently became aware of a false belief I had developed. “Laura,” she said, “Do you not think it’s God’s responsibility to provide you with a job?” And the honest answer to that question was no. Over the years I had developed a belief system that God makes jobs available, God gave me talents, but it is my job to use my talents and skills to get the job. At a higher, more conceptual level I believed that God grants me the job I’m supposed to have for that season, but I truly believed the getting, advancing in, and holding on to the job was my responsibility and a symbol of good stewardship.

I don’t know where that belief came from, I just know when she asked me that question I realized for the first time that I hadn’t allowed God to take responsibility for what was His. I was taking responsibility for and assuming control over my job situation. If the situation was a RACI, I believed I was in the “R” and “A”, and God was in the “C” and “I” positions. Little did I know how mixed up that was.

The reality is that I don’t know God’s plans. And because of that and the fact that I struggle with a control idol, I assume responsibility over things that aren’t mine. I get in there and get it done my way because, by George, it’s got to get done and if no one else is going to do it then look out of the way because I will.

But my worry is multi-faceted. I also worry about getting the right job. In my flawed belief system I also believe there will be a “right” job among the “wrong” jobs available. And the wrong jobs aren’t stripping, truck driving, or telesales – they are legitimate jobs and I have legitimate fear that I’ll choose the wrong one. I won’t choose the job that God had in mind for me – I will choose the one I want and it won’t be the “right” one.

By recognizing what is mine to influence (not control) and what isn’t, I am learning freedom from worry. By giving the Holy Spirit the things He is responsible for (like putting me in the job He wants for me at that time), I focus on the faith that comes from trusting that God will follow through. He knows what kind of job I would like, where I would do well, and I need to choose to believe that He will not only deliver on His promises to me but that He delights in giving me a job I will enjoy and where I will thrive.

Thinking about a Holy Spirit as someone who cares about my preferences and takes that into consideration when interceding on my behalf is a mindset that is foreign to me. After realizing the shift that needed to occur in my thinking, my prayers now go something like this “God, I think I’d really enjoy this job. If that’s the one for me, please guide my path. And if it’s not the one then don’t offer it to me because if it’s offered I’m going to see that as your provision.” The influence of what I want is there – the Holy Spirit knows my heart. However, the responsibility of provision is on Him.

Do I still have to show up, prepare for interviews, and work hard? Of course! Would it be easier for me to show up, kick the door in, and attempt to take control of the situation? I have tried in the past to convince myself that it is. My hard lesson learned in all this is that, in fact, it is not. Worry is unmerciful. Anxiety is exhausting. And control is, above all, an illusion.

For someone like me, being passenger seat of my own car is backwards and unusual. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. However, when I remember that someone with a perfect driving record is driving my car, I have a sense of peace that we’ll arrive home safely – provided I can just keep my hands off the wheel.