Solo Parenting

I get asked "What's the difference between single parenting and solo parenting?". The reality is not a lot, but the difference in the minutia is HUGE in terms of self-care and feeling connected.

Let me start by saying parenting isn't easy no matter what. Even when there are two of you, the decisions and intentionality it requires to be an active, engaged parent is sizable. Add in an age of technology, entitlement, TikTok, and a myriad of other current day social issues and it's enough to inspire some brand new Berenstain Bears books!

Single parenting is no laughing matter. The weight of the household has been shifted to one person. Regardless of whether the relationship with the children's other parent is amicable, this family model requires extra parental fortitude to keep the house spinning on the correct axis. Parental duties are shared, just not at the same time.

A typical household might offer a break for one parent or the other throughout the course of the day or week through sharing of household duties, taking turns with the kids, offering a moment of solitude here or there. Single parents get a break from parenting duties when the children are at the other house (albeit not a break from household duties). This might be a day, a week, or a weekend reprieve to get caught up, perhaps connect with friends, or simply enjoy some well-earned "me" time.

In solo parenting, the other parent is not involved in the children's life. Household and parenting duties are on the shoulders of one parent 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. And while solo parents often have help, the mental and emotional toll of being alone and carrying the weight alone is heavy. We do get moments of silence, but often they are filled with loneliness instead of peace.

I like to describe solo parents as the "Hold my beer" people in the busy category. Why? Because we have learned and adapted to raise the bar on a previously defined normal activity level. And, we are still only human. One human to be exact. And at the end of the day no matter how good we are with using what margin we have to its maximum potential, there is usually one person who didn't get attended to. Ourselves.

When I was adjusting to being a solo parent, it was often midnight or so by the time the kids were fed, bathed, in bed, dishes done, today's to-do list was either done or postponed, the next day was planned, yada yada yada. And since it's rude to call your friends that late on a non-emergency, the only one available to talk at that hour was God. I bought myself a hammock and having the luxury of living in an area where you can comfortably be outside easily 9 months of the year, I would go outside at night and lie on my hammock and spend hours connecting with God. It's hard not to be able to share bad days with an actual person. It's even harder to have no one to share good days that help build encouragement, hope, and connection.

Friends, it was in those moments of loneliness that I can say I felt more known than any one person could have offered. As I would lie beneath the stars pouring our my day, my mind, and my heart to a God I knew was present but had such a hard time feeling His presence, I had peace that I was known. My heavenly Father already knew my heart's desires, my troubles, my fears, my sorrows and He listened anyway. He took my joys and accomplishments and used them to offer hope for a better tomorrow.

Did I know when life was going to get easier? No. Was I reassured that tomorrow would be a day without trials? No. Did I still feel alone? Sometimes. God used those times of leaning into Him to give me a vision that one day I would look up and life wouldn't be as hard. I knew that this season of life would one day be in the past. God knew me better than I knew myself and He gave me what I needed at that time to keep my eyes focused on Him.

Has life gotten any easier for me? Yup. Do I still have days I feel overwhelmed? Yup. Do I mess up as much as I get it right? Like every parent, yup. Overall am I a badass solo parent? Hell yes I am!

Over time I have been able to adjust my life to make time for people relationships and build connection with close friends and my church family. Regardless of marital or parenting status, as a human being this has been so important for me to find my place of belonging. The connection we make by allowing ourselves to know others and be known is part of God's relationship plan for our lives.

As I enter into yet a completely different season of life with all new trials, I long for that relationship with the One who fully knows my heart. This spring my trusty hammock finally bit the dust and I had to get rid of it. Writing this post has reminded me that I believe it's high time I got a new one. I believe I've got a few midnight conversations coming up - no reservations required.

#soloparenting #relationships #singleparenting